Maama had being admitted numerous times in the past, and some of those times were near misses.

2010 was, likewise, a near miss. After being very ill she fell into a coma and was unresponsive for a week or so. The family was urged to brace for the worst. At that time, I was in Malaysia in the midst of my 3rd year of medical school and I remember getting a call from my uncle. He simply said that Maama was very ill, in a coma and that he thought I should come home immediately. I called Mamma right after I spoke to my uncle, and I saw right through her high-pitched account of how Maama was. Mamma was definitely, 100% worried and she would instinctively try any and all acrobatics to keep me from getting worried. I knew Mamma so well and absolutely love her to bits for it. However, I was only re-assured of what I needed to do.

The next day, I submitted a letter to the university requesting for leave of 1 week from school to see Maama. A few hours later, I was seated in the dean’s office after being summoned regarding my letter. The dean was an authoritarian man of no-nonsense. In the presence of two other faculty members he attempted to shun me for requesting for leave and proceeded to give me an ultimatum of ‘either continuing to go to school and become a doctor or take the leave and fear being expelled’. He said I needed to ‘get my priorities straight’ and that my primary focus should be my education and not whiling away my time by taking a leave. He said I needed to choose between my future or my family.

Did he think this was a hard decision to make?

‘Sir. If you think this is a hard decision for me to make then you must be very very mistaken. My grandmother is irreplaceable and the love I have for her is immeasurable. And you’re very wrong to even assume that I wouldn’t choose family over my education. I would never forgive myself if I don’t make it in time’, I remember retorting. Slightly embarrassed with the tears rolling down my cheeks, I insisted on him offering me and option other than the ultimatum. At that point, I was ready to pack up, leave and never come back if it came to that. I don’t identify myself as a confident person but I didn’t have an inkling of doubt about leaving. I was raging inside.

I left his office with his verbal acceptance of my leave application and I was provided with the option of deferring the classes I was going to miss to when I got back. I did it. I honestly didn’t know what came over me, and I think even the dean was taken aback at how upfront I was. I definitely was.

The next day, I was on a plane heading home. I remember getting home, dumping my luggage and heading to the hospital. There wasn’t a moment I wanted to lose. When I got to the hospital Maama was in a bad state. There were tubes attached to her and she looked weak and withered. Before I went into see her, my mom warned of the state that Maama was in, and yet I wasn’t prepared enough. I remember calling out to Maama and she slowly opening her eyes and lifting her eyebrows similar to how she did during the few days before she passed away. I remember that terrible feeling in my gut and bawling my eyes out in the corridor. Was she going to make it? Was she going to die? I was young, weak and feeble and unprepared.

I am grateful that when Maama got sick this time I was able to be around her and make the shots regarding her care. I am thankful that I was able to be with her through it all; before she got sick, in the ambulance when she was being taken to the hospital, with her in the emergency room, in the ward, room and high priority ward always right next to her and with her in the ICU even when I knew it was only inevitable that she would pass away in a day or two.

I am grateful that I was given time. During that time I was somewhat able to accept that I had tried my best to bring Maama back and that when it came to letting her go, I was able to let her go. I am grateful that during that time, I was able to get some kind of closure.