Even in my earliest memories I was terrified of losing Maama. What would I do without her? Even as a child, I knew that I wouldn’t have meaning to my life if Maama wasn’t around. That I wouldn’t be able to take it. That if she passed on, I’d run away and disappear into a void. Wherever that is.

Maama was my saviour, my protector and my team. Unconditionally, she always took my side .. sometimes even at a disadvantage. Mamma being a single mother had tremendous burdens to bear and was usually away either studying or working when I was child. This meant that the hurdles Maama had to cross for me were minute and thereby, the adoration that emanated from her was limitless. This is also the reason why the memories of Maama that I can cherish are all beautiful and rich.

How was I to find meaning to a life without Maama?

I have persistently bargained with God to keep her in my life until all the major milestones in my life were reached .. and he did. I told God that I’d want her to see me reach my academic goals at school, get married to the man I love and come back home after 6 years of university as a doctor. Even with some very scary and trying moments, God was always able to bring Maama back home .. to me.

I think, God went a long way for me to answer my prayers to keep her safe and healthy. I suppose that this is the reason why when Maama was taken to the hospital on the 11th of November 2015, I knew I couldn’t win another bargain anymore. It wouldn’t be fair to God and it wouldn’t be fair to Maama.

Exactly 7 days and 4 hours ago, Maama passed on. A day before that, her heart function deteriorated and looking at her rhythm, I knew she was only barely here. I was given time, 30 days of Maama being in Intensive Care, to prepare my soul for what it was going to have to endure. I had 30 days before her demise, to grieve, to deny, to feel pain and guilt, to get angry and bargain, to feel broken and to slowly, painfully and gradually accept that she is gone.

Maama is gone.